"As far as I can tell, this family was utterly, utterly normal," Michael Briand, a colleague of Mrs. Klebold, told The Associated Press. "They did everything right. But somehow the pain and anger was too deep, and they didn’t see it or couldn’t reach it." (x)
We had to kind of egg him on to swing, to hit the pitch sometimes. It wasn’t that he was afraid of the ball, just that he didn’t want to miss. He didn’t want to fail.
"I had a lot of fun at that gun show, I would have loved it if you were there dad. we would done some major bonding. would have been great. oh well. but, alas, I fucked up and told [censored] about my "flask". that really disappoints me. [censored] I know you thought it was good for me… in the long run and all that shit, smart of you to give me a such big raise and then rat me out, you figure it was supposed to cancel each other? god damn flask, that just fucked me over big time. now you all will be on my ass even more than before about being on track. I’ll get around it though, If have to cheat and lie to everyone then thats fine. THIS is what I am motivated for, THIS is my goal. THIS is what I want to do with my life!"
This passage is particularly revealing when it comes to Eric hiding and pushing away any unwanted emotions, only in order to build up the desired emotions he needed to go through with his plans; these emotions being primarily anger and determination. This could be why he was seen as very angry all the time specially towards the end of his life, as he seemingly masked his pain, loneliness, hopelessness and sadness with anger - and apart from that, anger is a natural product of depression and a natural way of feeling in Eric’s case, only he wanted to make it into the only emotion he would be able to feel. In this journal entry, dated 11/22/98, Eric seems to get sentimental and soft at first, writing: “I had a lot of fun at that gun show, I would have loved it if you were there dad. we would done some major bonding. would have been great." He then quickly recognizes the emotions that came to the surface, emotions that would take form as even more remorse, guilt and sadness, which quickly makes him snap and change into an angry tone, convincing himself that "I’ll get around it though, If have to cheat and lie to everyone then thats fine. THIS is what I am motivated for, THIS is my goal. THIS is what I want to do with my life!"
When feelings of sadness, remorse, shame or pain - feelings that he suffered from underneath the anger - came to the surface, Eric quickly switched to anger and pushed the other feelings away, as this emotion was both easier dealing with and more fit for what he planned to go through with (but of course, anger is a natural product of depression too and all depressives feel it to some extent). The anger and the determination of that he really wanted it was what he needed to go through with the massacre - but as seen in this passage, it wasn’t always what he truly felt. He just didn’t let himself feel anything that was even more painful to deal with or could make him doubt himself; not once he was convinced that the massacre was his only way out. He might have been an expert at hiding things from others, but he couldn’t always hide them from himself, as shown in his journal several times, one of them being in this passage.
- An analysis of Eric Harris’ anger, particularly in his diary.
I really, really love your blog. I'm new on the Columbine thing, and I found your blog and learn a lot about the case. Is there other blogs like yours, cause I saw many "fan" blogs, but I wanted info blogs like yours where I can learn even more. Thank you :)
Aww, thank you so much sweetheart. This makes me so happy to hear. I’m glad you’ve found your way into the Columbine community and I hope you enjoy your stay. There’s so much to learn from this all. x
There are loads of informative blogs out there, so I might forget about some of them when writing this (but that does not mean that your blog is any less informative than the ones I’ve listed; it just means that my memory is failing at the moment). Here are some of the blogs that focus on information on the case, but there are loads of blogs on here that post non-informative things on the subject that are great too, although I’ll try to keep it a bit easier and list a few informative ones here that I can think of right now (and as I said, me not mentioning you does not mean that I don’t like your blog, because if you’re a Columbine blog chances are pretty big that I do like your content, I’m just bad at listing names):
Goodbye…Sorry to everyone..I just can’t take it… (Part 1)
Goodbye, Sorry to everyone… I just can’t take it… all the thoughts… too many…make my head twist.. I must have happiness.. love, peace, ..goodbye..
I don’t fit in I’m thinking of suicide gives me hope, that I’ll be in my place wherever is after this life - that I’ll finally not be at war with myself, the world, the universe - my mind, body, everywhere, everything at PEACE - w/ me - my soul (existence)
That’s all for this topic…maybe I’ll never see this again…
oooh god, I want to die so bad…such a sad, desolate, lonely unsalvageable I feel I am…not fair NOT FAIR!!!
[redacted] can get me that gun I hope, I want to use it on a poor S.O.B. I know..his name is vodka, dylan is his name too. What else can I do/give..
I hate everything, why can’t I die..not fair.
No emotions. not caring yet another stage in this shit life. suicide…
Soon I will be at peace I hope…
Abandonment. this room sux..wanna die
———————————————————————————— "He had a lot of pain - he told me that,” says his friend Sarah Slater, 16.
In brooks book, does he talk about dylan more than eric? is there a book that focuses on eric more?
Brooks Brown does indeed focus more on Dylan in his book; or at least he has more information to provide on him since he grew up with Dylan, and therefore has more insight into his life than he has into Eric’s. He does talk about Eric too though, but he has a slightly stronger focus on Dylan from time to time - especially when it comes to Dylan’s childhood as he knew more about it and can share stories about his and Dylan’s times together as kids.
I don’t know of any book that focuses on Eric more than Dylan, as most authors of these books tend to try to focus on them both - which is the way it should be, in my opinion, if the book is about Columbine as a subject and not about only one of them. Jeff Kass’ book has a lot of information on Eric too, so you should read that one if you want a lot of information on Eric.
I'm having major columbine feels tonight. I keep seeing your asks on my dash and so many people still care about eric & dylan and their personalities and what they were thinking. they have been gone so long now and they have nothing new to give us (not that they owe us anything) yet so many young people still care about e & d as the people they were. I never thought I'd identify as a columbiner but it just happened. even though they murdered, a long time ago, I still care about them so much?
I understand how you feel, although I do not personally identify as a “columbiner” myself (I just say that I’m a person who is extremely interested in Columbine, or a Columbine-interested person/researcher). People do care and I don’t believe that Eric and Dylan will ever be forgotten although they will forever be gone. It makes me somewhat happy that people still care about the case, as it is extremely important that we learn from our history and do what we can to inform about & try to prevent these tragedies. People should never forget why two teenage boys from normal families in a normal suburb killed other teenagers at their school to later commit suicide side by side. People should never forget that this could happen to anyone and that we have to do what we can to avoid it. And people should always keep the 15 victims in their thoughts because they all deserve all the respect they can get. Continue caring, dearie.
No, they’re not together anymore. They were together as teenagers, and breaking up with your teenage partner isn’t too rare as people usually don’t settle down until they’re older, and in a lot of cases people change partners a few times before they do. I don’t know why they broke up, but in most cases it has to do with it not working out due to differences or the love fading away, the relationship getting more and more boring and dull for both parts, somebody feeling trapped etc etc. It could be something like that or it could be something completely else. I haven’t heard anything about why they broke up; but it doesn’t surprise me as they were so young.
Common traits in the background of psychopathic children include:
- A mother exposed to deprivation or abuse as a child
- A transient father
- A mother who cannot maintain stable emotional connection with child
- Low birth weight or birth complications
- Unusual reactions to pain (especially to insult)
- Lack of attachment to adults
- Failure to make eye contact when touched
- Low frustration tolerance
- Sense of self-importance
- Transient relationships throughout childhood, or close association with another like him
- Cruelty toward others
- Animal abuse
- Lack of remorse for hurting someone
- Lack of empathy in friendships
"For Eric and Dylan, the feeling of being trapped seems to have curdled into a weird, incoherent mix of hatreds. At times their private writings rage against racism, yet they also became infatuated with Hitler. The first line of Eric’s diary is an apt summary: "I hate the fucking world." Yet their rantings always returned to their social anxieties. Several survivors of the massacre have related that Eric and Dylan repeatedly said, "Oh, you fucking nerd. Tonight’s a good night to die."
Judith Alpert, a professor of applied psychology at New York University, explains: “By calling their victims ‘nerds’, a label that seems to have been applied to themselves, the boys were putting their victims into the roles they had been given by their peers. They were assuming power over them. Ironically, their frightening strength is more likely to be remembered than their feelings of loneliness, isolation and weakness.”” (x)
"I know I will die soon, so will you and everyone else. maybe will we be lucky and a comet will smash us back to day 1. people say it is immoral to follow others, they say be a leader. well here is a fuckin news flash for you stupid shits, everyone is a follower! everyone who says they arent a follower and then dresses diff. or acts diff. … They got that from something they saw on TV or in film or in life. no originality, how many JO MAMMA jokes are there and how many do u think are original and not copied. KEINE. Its a fucking filthy place we live in."
- Excerpt from Eric Harris’ journal